Staying close to your siblings?
I’ve been starting a lot of conversations on this topic lately. I’m finding, sadly, that when it comes to sibling relationships, a lot of us don’t expect much once we no longer live under the family roof. That’s too bad. It turns out that many of us think our siblings are terrific people, yet we find our relationships limited for the most part to small talk at extended family gatherings. With the addition of spouses and children, there are always lots of people around when we get together, and it’s busy.
My husband recently met his brother for dinner just the two of them, and they talked for hours. He said it was the longest they’d talked since they lived at home as teens. But back then the dialogue was more along the lines of “Your breath stinks! Move over!” They are now ages 40 and 42, and he valued this visit differently.
I was a mean big sister to my little bro. I called him names, put him down, and pushed him away every chance I got –I suppose it was due to my own insecurities and desire to keep friends and activities to myself. When we were both in our early 20’s though, I missed him. Really missed him. I couldn’t believe what a great guy he’d become, and probably had been all along while I missed it due to being enormously self-absorbed.
My friend Ruth makes a point to spend time with family members one-on-one when she visits, and I asked her about this recently. She’ll go to their home or workplace or their kids’ activities, rather than just relying on them seeing her in the big group at mom and dad’s. She pointed out that sibling relationships are on average the longest lasting relationships that we have–longer on average than Read more
Argue Less, Make Requests
Here’s a tip for improving relationships: When there’s trouble in paradise, first try to say it as a request instead of a complaint. “You don’t help around the house” (complaint) becomes “I’d like some help around the house. Can we talk about what we can each do?” (request). Or “You’ve been on the phone all night” (complaint) can change into “I’d like it if we could spend some time together, but you’ve been on the phone. Can we plan some time for tomorrow?” (request).
Saying it as a request gives the other person a chance to be the good guy. They get to hear what you want without being criticized. You give them a chance to accommodate and make things better. Complaints, on the other hand, make us immediately defensive. You each claim a position and refuse to budge. Instead of working at the issue together, complaints pit you against each other and you’re arguing instead of finding solutions.
Making requests instead of complaints can be easier said than done. When something’s wrong, we automatically look for what is upsetting us about the other person. But before blurting out that criticism, stop and think. Figure out what it is you want. Find a way to say what’s wanted rather than what’s wrong (with them).
Some of us have a really hard timing saying what we want. It takes self-awareness to sort out what we want and it requires some vulnerability to express it. This challenges us even more when we’re upset. Other times we remain too passive, never mentioning what bothers us, rarely saying what we want and thus not having it. We may choose our battles to avoid a tiff, but consistently using a passive approach deteriorates relationships over time.
The happiest couples are willing to make requests while remaining open to each other’s perspectives and values. Relationships are more satisfying when communication stays honest and positive.
Opposites attract? Personality for couples
You fell in love. But you are low-key and she’s the life of the party. You like a quiet night at home with just the two of you, but he wants to get together with friends and family most all the time. Or, you are organized but she doesn’t mind leaving things cluttered. When it comes to money, maybe you’re a saver and he’s a spender.
These and many other differences can cause big challenges in relationships. Does falling in love blind us to differences? Or do differences actively attract us because we need the balance that the other person brings? A more quiet person can help ground you, while a sociable person can help you enjoy invitations you might decline completely if left on your own.
The trick is Read more
4 Myths about Premarital Counseling
“Most couples spend more time and money on their wedding that lasts one day than on their relationship, which is intended to last a lifetime.” So says marriage and family therapist Dr. David Olson.
Premarital counseling can be the best thing (and often the only thing!) engaged couples do to focus on their relationship. Here are some myths and facts about premarital counseling.
Myth #1: Premarital counseling is boring and impersonal.
FACT: Today’s premarital sessions are personalized and engaging.
Far from dishing out the same old basic information, today’s sessions focus more personally on each couple. Your unique strengths and concerns, what you enjoy most about each other, your hopes & goals. Sessions today can even start you off with a couple’s inventory that helps you identify strengths & expectations. It gets you both talking right away about what matters most to you.
Myth #2: Premarital sessions won’t make any difference.
FACT: A little effort now ensures that your dreams for a great life together are realized.
Put your optimism and positive energy to work for you now, and you’ll be ready to face future challenges. Life today requires couples to have strong communication, shared goals, and the ability to address concerns openly and fairly.
Outcome studies on premarital programs demonstrate their value in improving relationship skills and preventing divorce. “Except for marriage, in no other important area of life do we assume that you can be successful without having any training,” says Olson. Build on your strengths and get your marriage off to a strong start.
Myth #3: I was married before, so I don’t need premarital counseling.
FACT: Premarital sessions customized for second marriages are more beneficial than ever.
Your current concerns may be radically different from those of couples marrying for the first time. Remarried couples often must blend households, help families transition, and handle more complicated finances. Some remarrying couples avoid premarital sessions because they already had them. Or, they figure that they already know what to expect.
Three-fourths of divorced individuals remarry. Because of today’s more individualized premarital sessions, remarrying couples reap generous benefits on their investment.
Myth #4: Premarital sessions have to be done by the church minister.
FACT: Many ministers who are asked to perform weddings don’t necessarily feel adequately prepared to counsel couples.
Some clergy prefer to delegate premarital sessions to facilitators who work with couples more regularly, and with whom the wedding minister can easily consult as needed. Still other couples choose to work with licensed therapists for their sessions.
Whatever you decide, make the most of your premarital sessions to enjoy a meaningful, happy and harmonious marriage.
—— Ami Hudson, M.Div. facilitates Premarital Sessions at Halifax, VA with her husband Brandon. The website is http://amihudson.com/couples
The above was published in the bridal sections of the South Boston VA News & Record, South Boston Gazette-Virginian, and Mecklenburg Sun in January 2009.