How friends strengthen marriage
Earlier this month I came across this article by Katherine Rosman, “Why Friends Help Strengthen a Marriage.” She asks a group of couples who are friends, “Why is time spent with friends so good for a marriage?” and writes what they came up with. Check it out. Maybe it will encourage us to make more time for getting together with friends this summer.
Look for the good in each other
Do the best things about your relationship get lost in the shuffle of everyday life? Here’s an easy way to take a moment for the two of you every day. Just ask each other, “What did you like about our relationship today?”
Maybe you liked it when he took the initiative to call your mom. Maybe he appreciates your helping towards the household income. Maybe it meant a lot to her that you helped the kids with homework or did the shopping on your way home. Maybe he thought you looked absolutely terrific. But you both forgot to mention it during the course of the day. Well, now’s your chance– don’t miss it.
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Daily dialogue involves setting aside a few minutes to reflect on what you liked in your relationship today. It sparks discussion about the relationship, not just the day’s tasks, and reinforces your desire for communication, connection and vitality.
Turn off the TV, computer and phone and give your full attention. Focus on the good qualities in each other and share what you liked about each other today. Most of us have many good qualities and praiseworthy actions that mean a lot in relationships. But we don’t look for them and barely take time to mention them. So go ahead, ask each other: “What did you like about our relationship today?”
Fishing for compliments? Maybe. But it’s better than starving for them! Too many relationships suffer from lack of nurture. We neglect to value what we intended to cherish. Seek out what’s good between you so you won’t lose sight of it among the mundane.
While many of us discuss the activities of our day, we have a harder time communicating our feelings. Daily dialogue should focus on your feelings “about each other and your lives together,” according to Prepare-Enrich, a marriage preparation and enrichment program based in Minneapolis that promotes daily dialogue in their workbook for couples.
Another benefit of daily dialogue: knowing you’re going to talk about this keeps you looking for the good in each other. This is useful when the dishes pile up, the schedule’s tight, the garbage can’s full, the light bulb burns out, there are 8 calls to return, 3 big decisions to make, 2 projects due, and it’s time to pick up dog food again.
Want to extend the conversation constructively? Prepare-Enrich suggests two additional questions. After “What did I like about us today?” follow up with “What did I dislike?” and “How can we be helpful to each other?” While the questions may take a little courage, they are straightforward and lead to valuable discussion about your relationship.
You’ll regain each other’s affection with daily words of appreciation. And you’ll probably be surprised how much they do value about you.
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Sweet Talk– a moment for the two of you
Could the two of you use a romantic evening away to look into each other’s eyes with easygoing conversation about what matters most? How about doing so over custom-made desserts and hot coffee in a cozy setting by candlelight?
This Thursday, Ami and Brandon Hudson will lead “Sweet Talk– a moment for the two of you” held at Molasses Grill and featuring Chef Steve’s special desserts.
During dessert, Ami and Brandon will guide you in relaxed conversation between you and your date, sharing a few tips towards a sweeter forever. This is an opportunity to slow down and focus on one another. What’s said is just between you– participants will not be asked to share with the group. No matter how long you’ve been together, you’ll benefit from intentional reflection on your relationship.
“It’s easy to get caught up in a routine and take your sweetheart for granted,” says Ami Hudson. “We wanted to set aside time for couples to focus on the good in one another and to come away even closer and stronger.”
The leaders hope that the event’s impact will outlast Valentine’s Day. “The box of chocolates will soon be eaten and the flowers will wilt in days, but the intimacy will last forever,” says Brandon Hudson.
Facilitators
Ami Hudson is a chaplain and spiritual director who meets with people at her office in the town of Halifax. Brandon Hudson is an attorney and mediator with an interest in healthy relationships. Together they offer private educational sessions for couples seeking enrichment.
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Join us
“Sweet Talk” will be held at 7:30 pm Thursday, February 10 at Molasses Grill in Halifax. Pre-paid registration is required ($15/person) by 2/9. To register, contact Ami Hudson at 476-4111.
Payment
Please CALL BEFORE PURCHASING (476-4111) to make sure space is available. You may also call to arrange bringing payment by our office.
Staying close to your siblings?
I’ve been starting a lot of conversations on this topic lately. I’m finding, sadly, that when it comes to sibling relationships, a lot of us don’t expect much once we no longer live under the family roof. That’s too bad. It turns out that many of us think our siblings are terrific people, yet we find our relationships limited for the most part to small talk at extended family gatherings. With the addition of spouses and children, there are always lots of people around when we get together, and it’s busy.
My husband recently met his brother for dinner just the two of them, and they talked for hours. He said it was the longest they’d talked since they lived at home as teens. But back then the dialogue was more along the lines of “Your breath stinks! Move over!” They are now ages 40 and 42, and he valued this visit differently.
I was a mean big sister to my little bro. I called him names, put him down, and pushed him away every chance I got –I suppose it was due to my own insecurities and desire to keep friends and activities to myself. When we were both in our early 20’s though, I missed him. Really missed him. I couldn’t believe what a great guy he’d become, and probably had been all along while I missed it due to being enormously self-absorbed.
My friend Ruth makes a point to spend time with family members one-on-one when she visits, and I asked her about this recently. She’ll go to their home or workplace or their kids’ activities, rather than just relying on them seeing her in the big group at mom and dad’s. She pointed out that sibling relationships are on average the longest lasting relationships that we have–longer on average than Read more
Argue Less, Make Requests
Here’s a tip for improving relationships: When there’s trouble in paradise, first try to say it as a request instead of a complaint. “You don’t help around the house” (complaint) becomes “I’d like some help around the house. Can we talk about what we can each do?” (request). Or “You’ve been on the phone all night” (complaint) can change into “I’d like it if we could spend some time together, but you’ve been on the phone. Can we plan some time for tomorrow?” (request).
Saying it as a request gives the other person a chance to be the good guy. They get to hear what you want without being criticized. You give them a chance to accommodate and make things better. Complaints, on the other hand, make us immediately defensive. You each claim a position and refuse to budge. Instead of working at the issue together, complaints pit you against each other and you’re arguing instead of finding solutions.
Making requests instead of complaints can be easier said than done. When something’s wrong, we automatically look for what is upsetting us about the other person. But before blurting out that criticism, stop and think. Figure out what it is you want. Find a way to say what’s wanted rather than what’s wrong (with them).
Some of us have a really hard timing saying what we want. It takes self-awareness to sort out what we want and it requires some vulnerability to express it. This challenges us even more when we’re upset. Other times we remain too passive, never mentioning what bothers us, rarely saying what we want and thus not having it. We may choose our battles to avoid a tiff, but consistently using a passive approach deteriorates relationships over time.
The happiest couples are willing to make requests while remaining open to each other’s perspectives and values. Relationships are more satisfying when communication stays honest and positive.