Staying close to your siblings?
I’ve been starting a lot of conversations on this topic lately. I’m finding, sadly, that when it comes to sibling relationships, a lot of us don’t expect much once we no longer live under the family roof. That’s too bad. It turns out that many of us think our siblings are terrific people, yet we find our relationships limited for the most part to small talk at extended family gatherings. With the addition of spouses and children, there are always lots of people around when we get together, and it’s busy.
My husband recently met his brother for dinner just the two of them, and they talked for hours. He said it was the longest they’d talked since they lived at home as teens. But back then the dialogue was more along the lines of “Your breath stinks! Move over!” They are now ages 40 and 42, and he valued this visit differently.
I was a mean big sister to my little bro. I called him names, put him down, and pushed him away every chance I got –I suppose it was due to my own insecurities and desire to keep friends and activities to myself. When we were both in our early 20’s though, I missed him. Really missed him. I couldn’t believe what a great guy he’d become, and probably had been all along while I missed it due to being enormously self-absorbed.
My friend Ruth makes a point to spend time with family members one-on-one when she visits, and I asked her about this recently. She’ll go to their home or workplace or their kids’ activities, rather than just relying on them seeing her in the big group at mom and dad’s. She pointed out that sibling relationships are on average the longest lasting relationships that we have–longer on average than relationships to our parents, our children, or our spouse. That makes them pretty important, and worth prioritizing more than most of us do.
The challenge, however, is that we and our siblings are at the ages when life is its busiest. Job demands, busy families, kids’ activities, homes to maintain, community involvement…. Shouldn’t we just give everyone their space for now and plan to spend more quality time after things slow down a bit? Probably not. Busy people need to nurture important relationships too, and may derive the most benefit from them.
So how do we go about spending time one-on-one with a bro or sis? Just ask them. ”Hey, I want to spend some time just the two of us. Can we get coffee, go for a walk, meet for dinner, etc.” Then talk honestly about your life and ask about theirs. Tell them about a project you’re working on or a new interest. Tell them something funny that happened and make them laugh. Also tell them some of your challenges or struggles and the things you wonder about. This might help them open up and tell you theirs, increasing mutuality and growing your basis for becoming closer.
Some brothers and sisters are harder to know and many relationships have challenges that are out of your control. But if there’s someone to whom you want to be closer, ask them and give it a try. This is also true in friendships and for parents with adult children too. Adult children sometimes assume that their parents mainly want to see the grandchildren, when really they also long for some time with just the adult son or daughter. A lot of us have trouble asking for what we want but it’s really okay to say, “I want some time just the two of us. What’s a good way to do that?”
You might worry that the rest of the family will feel left out if you spend exclusive time with one member. But it’s beneficial to have individual relationships too. And it’s a shame to unpack the car after a big family gathering and realize that you don’t really know how anyone is actually doing besides what you gathered from the small talk.
My husband was once asked, “If you could have dinner with any one currently living, whom would it be and why? After some brief consideration of celebrities and world leaders, he answered plainly, “My three brothers.” Why not make it so?
Tips for staying close to your brother or sis–
- Even if you live at a distance, arrange to get together from time to time.
- Make time just the two of you. Go for lunch, coffee, go along to something they’re doing or invite them to an activity of yours. If you’re at a big family gathering, slip away to take a walk or go on an errand.
- Have your own relationship rather than using mom/dad as the communication hub. Tell them news yourself. Let them know personally when you’re coming to visit so they know you care about seeing them in addition to mom and dad.
- Make contact periodically to let them know what you’ve been up to– projects, interests, etc. Call, send an e-mail to family or get everyone on facebook to share news.
- Not all relationships are created equal. You’ll enjoy some more than others, and that’s okay. It’s okay to nurture the relationships you enjoy the most.
- Accept that mutuality may not happen. It might turn out that you’re always the one taking the initiative. It can be worthwhile to persevere even when they don’t reciprocate. But you can still tell them you’d value more mutuality.
From the prayer tree
In my last post I was getting ready for Halifax Earth Day. I brought along a ”prayer tree” and some clothespins, inviting people to post a prayer for Creation, in thanks or in hope. I had hoped that at least a few would participate and I was thrilled that many actually did. Below are some of the prayers that were posted, without names and omitting those of a more personal nature.
A word about the tree: the young red bud tree cut down for this project came from a farmer’s fence row. If you know farmers–particularly Red Bank Hudson farmers– then you know that a tree along a fence row is out of place and would have to be dispatched with eventually. Thanks to my father-in-law for the set-up, Laura for the idea, Jenny and Sharron for encouraging me to be part of the event. Photos are from the Halifax Earth Day facebook page.
A drawing and a winner: After the Earth Day event I decided to have a drawing for a free individual session among the people who came by my table and left their names. Congratulations to Linda Unroe of South Boston: I am putting something in the mail to you.
And now for the PRAYERS. Some are from children so I left the spelling and grammer natural/as written. Thanks, everybody, for coming by and participating. God bless each one of you abundantly. You are invited to post more prayers or comments at the end.
Please let us be good stewards of your creation!- Pray for our world and protect it please.
- grow big and blom pretty flowers. For the world.
- Prayer for a cleaner place to play
- Thank you God for a B E A U T I F U L Spring– May we conserve our world for our future
- Dear God, thank you for this great world you’ve given us. Please guide us to take care of it, and each other. Amen.
- Pray for our future generations to Read more
Why I cut down a tree for Earth Day
It seems ironic at best to be cutting down a tree for Earth Day. However, I’m taking that tree (a sapling) to into town for Saturday’s Halifax Earth Day Extravaganza, along with some clothespins. It’s a tree on which to pin some prayers. I hope you’ll come by my table and pin up your own prayer for Creation– in gratitude, in hope, etc. –and see what others are posting.I’m aware that to some, Earth Day is suspect. Some believe environmentalism goes too far, making a god of the earth. To me, however, it’s an occasion to praise God for the Creation that sustains and blesses me, and to consider my responsibility in enjoying it respectfully rather than recklessly. Most of us can agree on this.
So come on out to the Halifax Earth Day Extravaganza at the Halifax Farmers’ Market this Saturday, April 24 from 10 til mid-afternoon. I’ll be indoors so come rain or shine. Enjoy demonstrations, kids’ activities, food, and entertainment. You’ll be in good company with Convergence Art Guild, the Beekeepers , Master Gardeners, Carlbrook School, the Improvement Council, the Town of Halifax, and Pick-A-Pine Plantation. I’ll be there with inspiration on faith & the earth. I hope you’ll come by, say hello, pin up your prayer and enjoy the event.
The earth is the Lord’s and all that is in it…. -Psalm 24
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Stop that daffodil!
When I saw the first daffodil stems coming up, I was giddy. When I saw forsythia blooms, I couldn’t believe it was happening. Now there’s a tree already in practically full leaf along 501 at Centerville. Yesterday, I saw red buds in bloom between Roxboro and Virgilina. After all the anticipation, spring seems so sudden once it comes.
On a steep bank along the fence row, spring’s first clump of daffodils that I fawned over and photographed on the morning of their delirious discovery are now faded and crinkly like old newsprint. My soul cries “Wait! Slow down!” But the tenderness of first spring gives way to showy vibrance at breakneck speed. New things bloom and last week’s standouts crinkle and fade while I barely had time to capture a few in a vase. I’m afraid to blink in case the summer lillies bloom already while I’m tossing a simple salad. Everything changes and I must be in the moment.
“See? I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?” (Isaiah 43:19)
Glory is to be noticed
Ami Hudson 2/14/10 SermonHow do we seek out and attend to glory? In Exodus 34:29-35, Moses came down from Mt Sinai and “the skin of his face shone because he had been talking with God.” This was different from any glow or flush you or I might get if we had carried those stone tablets down the side of a mountain. This was different because some of God’s radiance imparted to Moses. God’s glory was visible on the face of a person.
And the Israelites were spooked. They kept their distance from this figure with the shining face. Moses might have expected a warmer welcome after 40 days on the mountain with no food or water on their behalf. Their hanging back scared must’ve been a big let-down to Moses. He’d just received word for them from the LORD, but couldn’t get an audience among the people. Unaware that his face is shining, I imagine Moses baffled by people’s standoffish reaction. But Moses called to them, they came close enough to hear, and Moses spoke to them the words of God.
This is the first time that Moses’ face shines. But Moses is no stranger to God’s glory. It’s Moses who met God in the burning bush. A reluctant Moses though whom God worked signs and wonders as a warning to Pharoah. Moses before whom God parted the sea. Moses leading God’s people securely in the wilderness guided by a pillar of cloud and fire. Moses trusting God’s daily provision of manna to a tired, hungry camp. No, Moses is no stranger to glory. In fact, just before our present passage Moses makes an unusual prayer request. In 33.18 Moses pleads, “Show me your glory, I pray.”
The word “glory” that we use comes from Latin. But Exodus uses a Hebrew word for Glory that I really like: KABOD. I like KABOD because it sounds heavy. While the word “glory” I associate with heaven, clouds and bright light, it can seem far-off and other worldly. Gloria in excelsis deo has its place. But it’s this KABOD-glory that Moses requests. It feels heavy and close like holy presence, it has weight, authority and reverence. This is right in character with the God of the Exodus–the guiding pillar of cloud and fire, the presence of God known by Moses.
I wonder what we can learn from Moses about how to know God. A while back I Read more