Staying close to your siblings?

I’ve been starting a lot of conversations on this topic lately. I’m finding, sadly, that when it comes to sibling relationships, a lot of us don’t expect much once we no longer live under the family roof. That’s too bad. It turns out that many of us think our siblings are terrific people, yet we find our relationships limited for the most part to small talk at extended family gatherings. With the addition of spouses and children, there are always lots of people around when we get together, and it’s busy.  

My husband recently met his brother for dinner just the two of them, and they talked for hours. He said it was the longest they’d talked since they lived at home as teens. But back then the dialogue was more along the lines of “Your breath stinks! Move over!”  They are now ages 40 and 42, and he valued this visit differently.

I was a mean big sister to my little bro. I called him names, put him down, and pushed him away every chance I got –I suppose it was due to my own insecurities and desire to keep friends and activities to myself. When we were both in our early 20’s though, I missed him. Really missed him. I couldn’t believe what a great guy he’d become, and probably had been all along while I missed it due to being enormously self-absorbed.

My friend Ruth makes a point to spend time with family members one-on-one when she visits, and I asked her about this recently. She’ll go to their home or workplace or their kids’ activities, rather than just relying on them seeing her in the big group at mom and dad’s. She pointed out that sibling relationships are on average the longest lasting relationships that we have–longer on average than relationships to our parents, our children, or our spouse.   That makes them pretty important, and worth prioritizing more than most of us do. 

The challenge, however, is that we and our siblings are at the ages when life is its busiest. Job demands, busy families, kids’ activities, homes to maintain, community involvement…. Shouldn’t we just give everyone their space for now and plan to spend more quality time after things slow down a bit? Probably not. Busy people need to nurture important relationships too, and may derive the most benefit from them. 

So how do we go about spending time one-on-one with a bro or sis? Just ask them. ”Hey, I want to spend some time just the two of us. Can we get coffee, go for a walk, meet for dinner, etc.”   Then talk honestly about your life and ask about theirs. Tell them about a project you’re working on or a new interest. Tell them something funny that happened and make them laugh. Also tell them some of your challenges or struggles and the things you wonder about. This might help them open up and tell you theirs, increasing mutuality and growing your basis for becoming closer.

Some brothers and sisters are harder to know and many relationships have challenges that are out of your control. But if there’s someone to whom you want to be closer, ask them and give it a try.  This is also true in friendships and for parents with adult children too. Adult children sometimes assume that their parents mainly want to see the grandchildren, when really they also long for some time with just the adult son or daughter.  A lot of us have trouble asking for what we want but it’s really okay to say, “I want some time just the two of us. What’s a good way to do that?” 

You might worry that the rest of the family will feel left out if you spend exclusive time with one member. But it’s beneficial to have individual relationships too. And it’s a shame to unpack the car after a big family gathering and realize that you don’t really know how anyone is actually doing besides what you gathered from the small talk.

My husband was once asked, “If you could have dinner with any one currently living, whom would it be and why? After some brief consideration of celebrities and world leaders, he answered plainly, “My three brothers.” Why not make it so?

Tips for staying close to your brother or sis–

• Even if you live at a distance, arrange to get together from time to time. 
• Make time just the two of you. Go for lunch, coffee, go along to something they’re doing or invite them to an activity of yours. If you’re at a big family gathering, slip away to take a walk or go on an errand.
• Have your own relationship rather than using mom/dad as the communication hub. Tell them news yourself. Let them know personally when you’re coming to visit so they know you care about seeing them in addition to mom and dad.
• Make contact periodically to let them know what you’ve been up to– projects, interests, etc. Call, send an e-mail to family or get everyone on facebook to share news.
• Not all relationships are created equal. You’ll enjoy some more than others, and that’s okay. It’s okay to nurture the relationships you enjoy the most. 
• Accept that mutuality may not happen. It might turn out that you’re always the one taking the initiative. It can be worthwhile to persevere even when they don’t reciprocate. But you can still tell them you’d value more mutuality.