Argue Less, Make Requests

Here’s a tip for improving relationships: When there’s trouble in paradise, first try to say it as a request instead of a complaint.  “You don’t help around the house” (complaint) becomes “I’d like some help around the house.  Can we talk about what we can each do?” (request). Or “You’ve been on the phone all night” (complaint) can change into “I’d like it if we could spend some time together, but you’ve been on the phone.  Can we plan some time for tomorrow?” (request). 

Saying it as a request gives the other person a chance to be the good guy.  They get to hear what you want without being criticized.  You give them a chance to accommodate and make things better.  Complaints, on the other hand, make us immediately defensive.  You each claim a position and refuse to budge. Instead of working at the issue together, complaints pit you against each other and you’re arguing instead of finding solutions.

Making requests instead of complaints can be easier said than done.  When something’s wrong, we automatically look for what is upsetting us about the other person.  But before blurting out that criticism, stop and think.  Figure out what it is you want.  Find a way to say what’s wanted rather than what’s wrong (with them).   

Some of us have a really hard timing saying what we want.  It takes self-awareness to sort out what we want and it requires some vulnerability to express it.  This challenges us even more when we’re upset.  Other times we remain too passive, never mentioning what bothers us, rarely saying what we want and thus not having it.  We may choose our battles to avoid a tiff, but consistently using a passive approach deteriorates relationships over time. 

The happiest couples are willing to make requests while remaining open to each other’s perspectives and values.  Relationships are more satisfying when communication stays honest and positive.