Opposites attract? Personality for couples

You fell in love.  But you are low-key and she’s the life of the party.  You like a quiet night at home with just the two of you, but he wants to get together with friends and family most all the time. Or, you are organized but she doesn’t mind leaving things cluttered.  When it comes to money, maybe you’re a saver and he’s a spender.  

These and many other differences can cause big challenges in relationships. Does falling in love blind us to differences?  Or do differences actively attract us because we need the balance that the other person brings?  A more quiet person can help ground you, while a sociable person can help you enjoy invitations you might decline completely if left on your own. 

The trick is balancing personality differences within the couple.  If he consistently gives up his own preferences for hers, it leads to resentment and discord.  Instead, try to view the other’s traits as complementary to yours.  Look for the positive, and compromise on differences when possible.

Personality for Couples

In couples enrichment and premarital counseling, personality assessments can get couples thinking and talking constructively about personality traits.  Couples compare preferences for sociability, flexibility & openness to change, organization & persistence, cooperation, and response to stress (more steady or more reactive).  Couples can balance out foreseeable differences to avoid unnecessary conflict and build on strengths.

An example- Daniel & Maria

Here is an example of a sample couple’s work with the SCOPE personality scales that we use in our sessions, adapted from Life Innovations.

Engaged to be married, Daniel and Maria’s greatest differences are in the areas of sociability and openness to change.  Their marriage will benefit from talking about their preferences and differences in these areas.

Sociability

Daniel prefers more privacy and alone time, while Maria is generally outgoing and enjoys her ability to make friends and acquaintances.  This difference may become more apparent when they are experiencing greater amounts of stress.

They will need to communicate openly about attending social events and getting together with others.  One way that they might avoid some unnecessary conflict:  Check it out with each other before saying yes or no to social plans.

Openness to change

This trait reflects not only openness to change, but also flexibility and interest in new experiences.  Maria tends to be flexible, unconventional, and very open to new experiences and change.  She has a broad range of interests and thrives on developing new and creative solutions to problems, even when a tried and true method might work just as well.

In contrast, Daniel is more down to earth, practical, and less interested in new ideas and experiences. Preferring the familiar and things he is accustomed to, change may be difficult for him, increasing stress.

This difference can cause problems for Daniel and Maria.  When out of balance, Daniel comes across to Maria as rigid or closed off to new experiences.  And Maria comes across to Daniel as too interested in new ideas and adventures, constantly trying to reinvent the wheel.  Discussing the drawbacks and advantages of each style will help Maria and Daniel increase awareness, avoid unnecessary conflict, and see the positive in each other’s outlook.

Relationships require attention

Understanding personality helps couples avoid some foreseeable problems, improving relationships.  Daniel and Maria will also want to discuss other traits where they differ less, building on strengths and similarities.  In their sessions, they’ll also discuss stressors (including details of their upcoming wedding and which one of them will give up their house), finances, relationship roles, and family of origin issues.  They’ll resolve specific conflicts, cultivate clearer communication, and plan for personal goals and goals they’ll achieve as a couple. 

All relationships require attention, maintenance and direction to keep growing and running smoothly.  Good news: We have the capability to improve our relationships!

Ami Hudson, M.Div. facilitates couples enrichment & premarital counseling at Halifax, Virginia with her husband Brandon. The website is www.AmiHudson.com/couples.