Are we playing small?

For the Focus on Women feature section of the News & Record, June 25 2009, C4, South Boston VA.

      “Want a cup of tea?” I asked my husband.  He didn’t, so I didn’t bother to make any.  It wasn’t worth the trouble.  But I kept thinking about how good that tea would’ve been, to the point of irritation.  As though his declining the tea was keeping me from fixing any.  Then it hit me how bizarre my thinking was.  Isn’t it worth the effort simply because I want some?  Why I am more willing to make tea for someone else than for myself? 

      I was raised to put others before myself, to value service, sacrifice and humility.  While I’m grateful for these values, sometimes they do strange things to my sense of appropriate self-interest.  It’s been several years since the tea-for-one epiphany.   In the meantime I’ve thought a lot about balancing humility with self-worth.  About my propensity for standing back when perhaps I should consider stepping up.

      Do women struggle more than men around matters of humility vs. self-assertion?  Possibly males are validated for self-assertion and independence more than females are.  But I don’t believe this is exclusively a women’s issue.  Humility has deep roots in church settings as well.  I participated in a meeting where a Christian university was honing its public message, trying to convey what they were most proud of about the institution.  One of the faculty members offered the correction, “Humbly proud.”  Everyone laughed in recognition. Church culture dictates that pride be tempered with humility.

      While working with a community outreach program, I asked a church group that had volunteered nobly with us if we could publicize their example of service.  The group leader looked at the ground, shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and replied, “Well, we wouldn’t want to toot our own horn.”   To my surprise, our sincere and biblically-sharp intern quickly countered with scripture.  “What about ‘Let your light shine before others so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven?’”  Reconsidering, the man told the intern that she had made a good point.  They decided to share their story, which ended up bringing people together.

      We are cautioned against excessive pride.  But we should also beware of excessive humility.  Marianne Williamson puts it well:   ”We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.”

      It’s a mistake to confuse appropriate self-worth with selfishness or arrogance.  Too often we suppress the self along with our gifts, our voice, our glorious individuality, unique callings and perspectives.  No, playing small does not serve the world.  What a disservice that would be.

Ami Hudson, M.Div. is “your personal chaplain for whatever’s happening,” located at Halifax, VA.  The web address is www.AmiHudson.com.